Comprehensive Conspiracy Theory

We never landed on the moon. In fact, I'm not even sure the moon actually exists. The JFK assassination? The single shooter theory? Bunk. Truth is there weren't any shooters. Kennedy's head spontaneously exploded. It's a long standing but rarely documented phenomenon affecting at least one person every two to three centuries.

And animals can talk -- they just do so very very very very quietly.

But back to the moon for a second. I take that last part back. The moon does exist. And the lunar landing wasn't faked to fool the American people or the Soviet Union. It was an honest mistake. They thought they were on the moon. It was kind of like how Columbus discovered America. Except that he never did. America is actually just another part of Europe. That language you're speaking -- English. What we know as the Atlantic "Ocean" -- it's a lake, a swimming pool really. The photos from space -- faked.

In fact, that's the reason they even tried to land on the moon and ended up accidentally discovering a Hollywood sound studio in the first place. The reason behind the entire space program -- to secure, produce, or flat out fabricate if necessary photos supporting the myth that America is a separate landmass from Europe and that the earth is round. The true shape of the world, after all, is not flat, but concave, it's outer most edges curled in toward each other and separated by a distance of merely 23 feet.

And this, of course, is why the talking animals created the moon. To distract those people at the outer most edges from discovering that the further apart they seemed the closer they actually were. This is what the squirrels, rabbits, and humpback whales crafted in their conspiracy of extreme quiet. This shiny silver coin of mystery. Always there, never still, and ever changing, ceaselessly tugging our eyes upward, fooling us into believing our mothers, wives, and daughters are deep as the oceans (for "oceans" read lakes and swimming pools), and driving elderly astronauts to assault documentary film makers.

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